MAMAHOOD

🌷What do I say about a week that has made me feel so “meh”? I love Evie in a way I didn’t know possible. She has such a personality, her giggles are the best noise in the world. She’s the only human whose literal blood, sweat, tears, vomit, and all other bodily fluids don’t gross me out. She can sneeze on me all day for all I care.

But man is she exhausting. As much as I love a long weekend, the weekends feel more exhausting than the weekdays. During the weekends, I feel the need to be “on” all day long. By the time there is breathing room, it’s bedtime. At least at work, I can grab a cup of coffee and have an uninterrupted 15-minute chat.

ReGardless, I can’t imagine not being a mom. I feel like a full person as a mother (and professional). I realize not everyone is meant to be a mom, and thus, being one probably wouldn’t make these people feel “more whole,” but I was always meant to have children. Having Evie, I certainly grieve pieces of my former life, but I would never wish it back knowing that would mean my Peach didn’t exist.

If I’m being honest, this week has been too tough for me. Evie is not sleeping well, and we received the disappointing news that the one person that we thought could be our next GC, was disqualified by our fertility clinic. This was a hard blow for sure. I feel like I’m back at step one. Who knows how long it will take to find a trustworthy person to carry Evelyn’s sibling. My mind races – maybe my body can be fixed (logically, I know this is not possible.) Either way, it’s heavy and it feels like it’s all on my shoulders.

I love my family and the life we’re building, but I’m burned out. I feel like a hamster on a wheel who’s also trying to not let any of our life “balls” drop, while ALSO trying to find a carrier. The list never ends. Nor do the items to do. It’s exhausting and all I want is to sleep for 24 hours (and wake up knowing that everything still got done.)🌷