The dream of it all

🌷The ability to have a career, a partner, children, home, and a social life for the most part of history was strictly reserved for men. There has been an implicit assumption that men can have all it all, and they do. Men can have all these things because women have had limited opportunities other than to ultimately support whatever men wanted. Women carried all lives’ burdens, except the 9-5. Women had less financial freedom and access to education and careers. Even today, there are many, many windows for women to leave the professional word, and very few doors open for us to reenter. How often are guys asked, “are you going to come back to work after your paternity leave?”  I can’t count the number of times I was asked, “what are you going to do after your baby is born?”  or “so, are you planning to go back parttime?”

Um, hello, work….

Which leads me to this week. For the first time in my professional life, I have people around me that see my potential. They are putting me in front of executives, providing me opportunities to expand my professional acumen, and genuinely see the value I have to offer. I don’t feel replaceable. Being someone who has been laid off (specifically while I had $250k in student loan debt,) I have always been afraid of losing my job. Being in a position where I feel less afraid of this (although, the fear still simmers,) is a remarkable feeling.

What is perhaps more notable is why I feel this way. Sure, I fought like hell to pay off my loans, so those aren’t hanging over my head, but more than that, being a mom has made me a better professional AND it has given me confidence in myself I didn’t have before. I am more efficient, don’t waste time (because time is so limited) and I don’t take bullshit. I don’t waste time or energy on relationships or professional situations that are unnecessary (fe, those work happy hours that don’t lead anywhere). I also know that, there are other jobs out there if I happen to lose mine. Frankly, I know that if I get laid off again, I still my daughter and husband at home.

This week has brought conflicting emotions. I am so excited to feel good about my career path. Then I wonder, what happens when we have another baby on the way? Will my career be derailed? Will all this traction be lost? Will I become replaceable? The reality is, I know I am a number for a big company. I am also aware that I can “have it all” because I have a supportive husband. But having it all is also very heavy.

This week has made me think about why the hell I’m fighting so hard to have it all. Most of the women in my family never did. They didn’t have the opportunity. I think of how hard it is as a woman to have it all –even for those of us who presumably have it all - we also have an immense amount of additional stress because the world has not caught up to us. The stress of trying to have another baby (or find a gestational carrier,) carrying the mental load of the family’s list, planning the birthday parties, managing the babysitting schedule, trying to find time to have a connecting conversation with our partner, taking a goddamn shower!..... the additional stress on top of having a career, having a child and partner, having a home, and having a social life, still lies on women’s backs.

This week I went to a wine tasting with a few girlfriends and it felt amazing. All of us laughing and enjoying our company. All of us in relationships, 2 of us with children, all of us professionals. A group of women trying to have it all, enjoying life together.

As hard as it is to do it all and have it all, I think about the image Evie will see. I want her to see a mom that has this full life. I want her to know that she, too, not only can, but deserves to have the career, family, and home she wants, AND she deserves to have the joy of friendships. I’m also okay with her seeing the struggle, because that’s also real. My hope for her, however, is that it will become the norm, the “assumption”, that she has it all, without question.

In Evie news - our Peach took her first (and still only) crawl “step”. She’s definitely on her own timeline. 🌷