PURPOSE IN PAYING IT FORWARD
🌷When we realized surrogacy was our only option to have the life we dreamed, I realized I had to be open about our story in hopes of finding a carrier. I never had the luxury of being private or keeping our story within the safety of our home or among the people we trusted. I certainly couldn’t tell people “on my time” that we were ready for children. Instead, I felt forced to share our story, beg people to help us find a carrier – even strangers. I felt like I was thrown over the cliff, hoping that my parachute would be a kind soul willing to carry our baby. I will never be able to put into words how difficult that was. While I was grieving the loss of our son, navigating, IVF, and recovering from countless surgeries, I had to find someone to carry our baby. The desperation was palatable. I can still feel the anxiety and desperation and sadness and helplessness of all those years. The constant questions of wondering if there was a baby at the end of our shit rainbow.
Here we are, almost nine months in with Evie, and I’ve started to share our story again, in hopes of finding a carrier for her sibling.
The anxiety and desperation feel less intense. The question is different – “will we be able to give Evie a brother or sister?” – but at least we know we get to raise Evie. Instead of feeling like I need a baby yesterday, I feel like, I need a baby soon.
After posting our story on social media, I received the kindest messages. Only one ignorant asshole ask why I don’t just go to a fertility clinic. I wanted to tell her to kindly fuck off. Thankfully, another person chimed in on my behalf!
I was overwhelmed by the positive responses I received (and even a few hopeful ones.) 99% of people wished us luck, a few told me they would share our story, and to my absolute wonder, a woman reached out and expressed a sincere interest. I even had a neighbor run up to me, stating that she read my post and wanted to tell me how grateful she was for it – how brave I was for sharing, and how important it is that we share these stories, rather than silence them. She brought me to tears.
I don’t consider myself brave. I share because I want and need to give Evie a sibling. I also feel "this" is my calling. I started sharing our story long before Evie was an embryo because I needed to put purpose behind this pain. I am so grateful that Evelyn exists, but at the time, I needed to know that I had a reason for living (even if that was without a baby.) If sharing our story made one person feel less alone, then I feel (and felt) like my life has/had purpose.
This pain does have purpose. Everything that we went through has purpose. And as much as I love Evie, these things would still be true without her.
A woman I had met twice, reached out to me this week. She has been following our story (I didn’t think anyone did) and asked if I would chat with her friend who is struggling with her fertility and considering surrogacy. When I got to sit across the coffeeshop table from this lovely woman who was/is in so much pain, and tell her that she will have a baby (because she is a fighter, and there is no one more resilient than a woman that wants a baby), and give her the hope that no one except for someone that has been in her shoes can give, I felt like, once again, I was serving my purpose. Plus, I was able to offer her insight into the wild world of surrogacy. The world very few people know or understand (lucky them!)
Two years ago, I was sitting in chair, at a coffee shop, across from a woman who had used a surrogate. It’s a bit surreal to be on the other side of the table, with a baby, giving someone hope. If our story can give someone this, is it not only my purpose, but my obligation, to give back?
In other new - I haven’t had a voice in a week, Evie is struggling with solid foods, and girlfriend has 5-6 more teeth coming in (the nights have been great……jk)🌷
