🌷I’m not doing great. I’m also not great at asking for help. I don’t fully know how to express how I am feeling, all I know if why I am feeling this way.

Being overwhelmed is part of being a parent. Especially a mom. We are constantly carrying 5 bags, a child, and the mental load of “the list” – all the items that need to get done in a day (work, daycare drop-off/pickup, bottles, dinner, fitting in exercise, making sure we’re supporting our loved ones, checking in on people, being presentable for work, finding time to shower, etc.) And I’m lucky, I have a partner that steps up and carries his weight. But, for some reason, he seems to be able to get out the door with 0-1 bags and doesn’t have to carry the mental load of making sure it all gets done.

I’ve always been a planner. I’ve always been really good at making sure everything gets done, making sure nothing falls through the cracks. This is why I felt so comfortable managing our surrogacy process without a coordinator or agency. I pushed to find a carrier, I managed all the doctor appointments, psychologist appointments, medical appointments, picked up all the medications and shots for me and our carrier,  ordered all the herbs, managed the acupuncture appointments, managed the legal negotiations and court processes, set up our birthing hospital and plan. I honestly don’t know if I would have trusted anyone to do as good a job as I did. And it all worked out, because Evie arrived healthy and perfect.

And now that she’s here, I couldn’t be happier, but I also couldn’t be more overwhelmed. We’re at the stage where we need (want) to start thinking about a second baby. Phil and I are 39. We don’t want to wait years to give Evie a sibling. I also don’t consider not giving Evie a sibling as an option. Not because she’s not enough (she is more than enough,) but because I feel the constant pain of not really having a sibling relationship. I feel a massive void that I don’t have a sibling that I can turn to when I am struggling as a mom or as a woman. Someone that understands what it was like growing up in my parents’ household. Someone to reminisce and confide in. Friends are amazing, but they don’t get an integral piece of growing up together that sibling do. I don’t want Evie to experience life like that. I want her to have someone that is forever her person and understands what it was like to be raised in Megan and Phil’s home. I want her to have the unbreakable bond and love that I wish I had.

When we were searching for our carrier in the past, I was able to dedicate so much energy and time to the process. I had a spreadsheet and a binder. I had two full time jobs – my 9-5 AND managing the gestational surrogacy process. Now that I am a mom, my time isn’t my own. I don’t sleep well, I live with a constant headache. I feel like I am performing subpar at most things in life. It is overwhelming to think that, on top of working full time and being a mom (even with the help I have from Phil) I somehow have to find time to find a carrier and go through the agony of all the treatments and processes and medical clearance and psychological clearance and legal clearance….

I found out this week that Kimmy is not up for carrying again, a decision we 100% support. I always felt like she probably wouldn’t carry again. It was a lovely experience, but also tough on her.

I’ve felt this news was going to come for a while now, but I think this week really hit me – I must take on this massive life thing again. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely will because Evie deserves a sibling. We brought her into this world with the intention of giving her a brother or sister. So, just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean I wont’ do it. BUT, I’m tired and overwhelmed.

I’m trying to remind myself that when we welcome our second baby, it will all be worth it. I know this is true, and I know the process will take a backseat to the love we feel for our full family. However, in the moment, today, I feel like I have a million pounds on my back.🌷