Inconvenient Truths

🌷This week we found out our carrier is pregnant. Not with our baby, but hers. I'm not proud of how the news hit me. I felt blindsided, hurt, jealous. Why? She told us a few months ago she is not open to carrying a second time. 

Pregnancy announcements are always hard. Even today, I feel like I'm walking on landmines, just waiting to see pregnancy announcements online or cute pregnant women out and about. It's a constant reminder of what is so easy for most, is an impossibility for me. There is no easy or direct path to parenthood for my family. There's months, if not years, of testing, financial outlay, searching for a carrier, legal/medical/psychological testing, prepping for a transfer, praying for a positive test....it's exhausting and feels so unfair.

So, when I found out Kimmy was pregnant, I felt the weight of the surrogacy process once again. I also felt like I had been misled - she had originally told us (after Evie was born,) she wanted to carry for us. It was months later that she said postpartum was too hard. Turns out, she gets to have a 4th baby of her own.

My feelings are heavy and I wish I could just let them pass. I'm ashamed to admit them, but I wish there was more candor, more sensitivity around how difficult this news was going to be for me. I'll never admit how hard this news hit me.

So, as we prepare to have dinner with a potential carrier, I am trying to focus on what this could mean for our future. I have to be cautiously optimistic, though, as experience has taught me, it's not hope that is the hard part - it's having that ripped away in an instant.

In more important news - Evie said “mama” for the first time. And I missed it.🌷