HELPLESS HOPE
🌷The weight of finding a GC is heavy. I fluctuate from the deep ends of the spectrum of hope to helplessness, sometimes within hours on the same day. Phil doesn't know what to do (frankly, neither do I,) and I acknowledge that makes him feel helpless. When I am not feeling great - about anything - his reaction is to want to "fix" the situation. My therapist has taught me how to reframe our conversations so he understands sometimes (often) he can't fix the situation and I just need someone to listen. Afterall, besides Phil, who can possibly understand what we are going through? I'll put it very simply, there are only 500 babies a year born in the United States via a gestational surrogate. So, being generous, there are at most 10 couples in all of Minnesota that can understand what this feels like.
We had Shabbat Dinner with a hopeful couple last week. I felt more confident going into the dinner than leaving. Something didn't feel right, and there were red flags all around. This kind woman is not a bad option, but after meeting her husband, I question his motivation and ability to support her. I have to trust my instinct. With Kimmy, I never felt like I couldn't trust her. I was never worried about Evie's well-being. I doubt I would feel this way with this couple.
Carrying our next baby is too important to entrust with an "okay option." It's a terrible feeling. Three years ago, we would have jumped at the opportunity for anyone to carry. God, we were so naive. After going through the process, the additional miscarriage, the failed transfer, the stress, uncertainty, anxiety, the expense, and everything else - we understand first hand how important having the right carrier is.
So, we (I) start back from square one. I continue to put myself out there. Share our story. Bank on the hope that I did this once before, I can do it again. On the one hand, I feel less desperate, as we have our sweet Peach. On the other hand, I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. Being a full time mom, a full time professional, and now, a full time gestational surrogate finder, my back feels like it's carrying a boatload of bricks, and no one can take any off.
As draining as this sounds (and it is), I'm appreciating the time spent outside of the fertility world. Going to lunch with a bunch of badass professional women (all of whom are also moms,) makes me realize how, as difficult as it is, there is so much value in having a family AND a career. Putting myself out there and meeting another hopeful GC makes me realize that I can do this very hard thing. It's amazing how uplifting a hopeful call can be. When Evie screams excitement for me at daycare, immediately calms when I rock her, or stares at me in the eyes as she's learning to walk, reminds me why I am doing all of this. She deserves a sibling. She has brought so much joy to our lives, and she deserves to have that reciprocated. I'll find her a sibling because she deserves that. Evie will not live in a world where she does not have a brother or sister.🌷
