SAD SICK MAMA

🌷While Evie has been thriving – our little lady is in the 85th percentile for weight (and 14% for height) – I have been struggling, and not just with the residual RSV that Evie gave me.

I am accustomed to life being challenging. Growing up poor, struggling with my mental health, trying to pay off massive student loan debt, building a career I actually enjoy, and then the most difficult thing of all (and most rewarding,) building a family – none of this has been easy. But, at the end of the day, we have our beautiful, perfect baby girl, I love my job, I have a group of friends I deeply care about (and they care about me,) my loans have been paid off, and life is really freaking good.

Two years ago, when a move to Austin was first discussed (for Phil’s job), I had mixed feelings. We were still struggling to get Evie, I had lost my job, I was recovering from a fractured femur. A change felt necessary. Then, things fizzled with that move, and life got really good. Evie was on her way, I found the job, the community around me became even stronger. When Evie arrived, it was as if all was right in the world.

Fast forward to the past couple months, and the move is more and more imminent. I have been sick to my stomach thinking about leaving behind this life that I’ve worked so hard to build. I want to vomit thinking about leaving behind my parents. I want to hold onto hope that they will be open to maybe making a home in a second location.

Either way, I ‘m not okay, and I think anyone around me can sense that. I spoke in detail with my therapist about how I’m feeling. I didn’t have the vocabulary for it; I couldn’t even put a definitive statement behind what I’m experiencing – simply that I feel totally paralyzed in life. Completely, utterly, unwell. She put it very clearly. She said it’s grief. And this is.

As I go deeper and deeper into therapy, I have become more and more self-aware of my struggles – specifically those attached to allowing myself to feel uncomfortable things. Grief is uncomfortable. Feeling it is awful. The silver lining, however, is, how amazing that I have a life that I don’t want to leave. What a blessing to have a family and friends that I DON’T want to leave. Regardless, I’m sad.

If this move happens, I need it to be positive. I will ensure it is positive. But I’m not there yet. Right now, I’m feeling all the feels of loss.🌷